Broken

Sometimes abuse doesn't look like it does in the movies. Sometimes its subtle. Sometimes abuse is getting pinched, scratched or bitten. Sometimes he does this and calls it "play fighting". He'll choke you and laugh while you try to make him stop. Sometimes abuse isn't getting hit in the face because he knows people will notice. He gives you this dramatic speech about his mother being a drug addict and you feel sorry for him. He tells you how he was abused as a child so you try to understand. He'll cook you a nice candle-lit dinner. You'll tell your family he's a wonderful guy. He makes romantic gestures and all is forgiven.....until he does it again. Sometimes abuse is about control and power. He tells you how to wear your hair. He tells you what clothes to wear. 

Sometimes abuse isn't physical. Sometimes it's showing up at your house at 3am demanding to see you. Sometimes it's showing up at your job. You ty to break it off and even change your phone number. Sometimes you miss your abuser and feel sorry for him. This is called Stockholm Syndrome. You foolishly give him the new number. You're play fighting again one day and hit him back. You've never seen him this angry. You think he's going to kill you. He laughs like you're playing some sick game of cat and mouse. He leaves. You're worried because you know next time will be worse. You're afraid to call the police. All of your friends and family are thousands of miles away. You feel like you have no one. You have a trip home coming up and this is your chance to get away. Your family wonders why you abruptly quit your job and move back home......across the country. You know you can't tell them. They wouldn't understand. You know leaving the state is the only way to get away from him.

You think it's over but sometimes mental scars last longer than physical scars. You feel lost and low. You blame yourself for allowing it to happen. You feel out of control. You punish yourself by not taking time to heal. You quickly reunite with an ex. This is called self-sabotoge. Your friend offers you a job at a gun range and you're desperate so you take it. You're broken. In the next relationship, you feel the need to assert yourself more. You need to prove your dominance so it doesn't happen again. Your insecurities ruin your marriage. You decide to put your energy into work and become a firearm instructor.......and here we are. 

Marchelle Tigner